I'm not sure where to start this blog post.
I just learned that another of my friends has passed away from a fentanyl overdose. That's the third one in a year.
What do I do? I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to roll up in a little ball and not feel anything at all. I want to reach out, I want to be alone. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm everything.
When this happens I run a gamut of emotions and thoughts. Could this have been me? Could I have helped them more? Could I have reached out? Could they have gotten the help that they needed? I could swim amongst these what-ifs, and will, until it fully hits me. Right now I have to try to rationalize it.
The bottom line is that addiction meets only one of two ends - recovery, or you succumb to it.
It doesn't matter the drug. When I quit cocaine I retained my addiction and switched it over to alcohol and justified it by that. I could have continued abusing cocaine and succumbed to my addiction and I could have continued abusing alcohol and succumbed to my addiction. It could have been anything, it could have gotten worse. It could have been fentanyl. It could have been me. It could have been you.
But it wasn't. Instead it was her, and my other two friends I've lost this year as well.
Last summer when I found out about my friend Ashley's passing I made her a promise with regards to my recovery - I promised her that I would not drink or use ever again.
Bria, I'm making you that promise now too. Rest in heaven. You will be missed.